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+------------------------- [ Pocitacove vtipy ] -----------------------+ +--------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | * Vybral, vyhladal a zozbieral (c) dEk0, 1997-99 * | | *:| http://i.am/deko/ |:* | | *:| http://hey.to/vyroky/ |:* | | - OutSide@d3k0.Sk - | | * Verzia 2.30 * 01.10.1999 * | +--------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +-------- -- - - -- --------------------------- -- - - -- --------+ +----------------- -- - - -- -----------------+ Specialista Microsoftu sa zucastnil streleckeho kurzu. Dostal bezpecnostnu instruktaz, pusku a naboje. Vystrielal desat ran a od ciela mu hlasia, ze ziadna gulka nezasiahla terc. Strelec sa pozrie na pusku, potom na terc. Znovu na pusku a na terc. Da prst pred hlaven a potiahne spust. Pozrie sa na krvacajuci zvysok prsta a vola k cielu: - Tu je vsetko v poriadku, chyba musi byt na vasej strane! ---------------------------------------------------=(Andrej/OkO 6/1998-99)=--- Ambiciozny programator sa po dlhej dobe rozhodol ist na dovolenku na Karibske ostrovy. Pocas plavby prisiel hurikan a celu lod zmietol do mora, iba on jediny sa zachranil a ocitol sa sam na opustenom ostrove. Styri mesiace jedol iba kokosove orechy a spal na plazi a ziadostivo pozeral na more, kedy sa objavi nejaka lod. Jedneho dna zbadal, ako sa po riecke blizi clnok s nadhernou zenou. - Kto si? Ako si sa sem dostala? - Bola som na tej lodi ako ty a stroskotala som na opacnej casti ostrova. - No to si mala stastie, ze sa ti zachranil cln. - Nezachranil, ten som si vyrobila. - Prosim? - No ved je tu vsade okolo bambus a trstina... - Ale ved nemas ziaden hardware?! - Z kamenov som si vyrobila nastroje a pouzila som ich aj na stavbu chatky. A ty kde spis? - Cele styri mesiace na plazi - zahanbne priznal programator. - Tak pod na navstevu ku mne... Doplavia sa ku jej chatke a zena hovori: - Na poschodi mas holiaci strojcek a sprchu... Programator je uplne hotovy, uz sa nic nepyta, vybehne na poschodie a tam holiaci strojcek z nabrusenej kosti nejakeho zvierata a hovori si: - Tato zena je neuveritelna. Co bude dalej? Zide dolu a tam uz ho caka zena, v ruke flasu vina, na sebe len nejaky ten figovy list... prituli sa k nemu a hovori: - Sme uz tak dlho prec od domova... a bol si cely ten cas tak sam. Som si ista, ze je nieco, co by si prave teraz chcel robit... nieco, co si uz nerobil mesiace... Programator neveri vlastnym usiam: - Chces mi povedat, ze si odtialto mozem skontrolovat e-maily? ---------------------------------------------------=(Andrej/OkO 5/1998-99)=--- Na hot-line zavolala cerstva uzivatelka pocitaca: - Halo, vcera som si u vasej firmy kupila pocitac a myslim, ze je rozbity... - A ako sa to prejavuje? - spytal sa servisny technik. - Pocitac neustale piska - odpovedala nervozne uzivatelka a prilozila sluchatko telefonu k pocitacu. - Hmm, pocujem - potvrdil technik a masiroval si mierne ohluchnute ucho. - Je to neprijemne! Ja pocitacom moc nerozumiem; mam ho doma prvy den, ale ze s tym budu take problemy, som necakala - zdoraznila nastvane uzivatelka. - Chapem vas. Mozete mi povedat, kedy to piskanie zacalo? - Hned ako som druhykrat zapla pocitac. Na obrazovke sa objavilo nejake hlasenie o tom, ze mam invalidny disk a este press any key. Anglicky trochu rozumiem, tak som stlacila klaves... - Nemate v mechanike zasunutu disketu? - Myslite take to hranate, placate v tej malej skarke? - Ano, presne to mam na mysli. - Tak to tam mam. - Tak ju vysunte... pouzite ten cudlik, co tam mate - snazil sa zrozumitelne popisat postup. - Hotovo, vysunute! - zajasala vitazoslavne uzivatelka. Ale stale to piska - - odvetila sklamane a prilozila sluchadlo k pocitacu. - Ano, ano, pocujem!!! Skuste to vypnut a znova zapnut - poradil fakt nervozny technik a chytil sa za druhe ohluchnute ucho. Bolo pocut iba zvuky startujuceho pocitaca a po chvilke zase vysoke trrrr. - Uz to zase to piska. - To po telefone asi nevyriesime. Za chvilku pridem a skusim sa na to pozriet. - To je fajn, budem cakat. A teraz uz mozem tu klavesu pustit? - Coze?! Ano... uz... tu... klavesu... pustte - precedil pomedzi zuby technik. - Jeee, uz to nepiska... ---------------------------------------------------=(Andrej/OkO 5/1998-99)=--- Do firmy prisla pracovat nova Mys. Cez prestavku si sepka s Klavesnicou: - Pocuvaj, Klava, kto je tu vlastne najvacsi sef? Je ich tolko, ze sa stale neviem zorientovat. - Skus si niekoho tipnut. - Hadam Server? - Ale kdeze! To je nas clovek, tiez musi makat ako my. A ked si vypije, je vyborny do party. - Tak kto teda? - Tam sa podivaj, lezi si, pomrkava cervenymi ockami... Modem. - Fakt? A preco? On je zo vsetkych najmudrejsi? - Kdeze! Blbec to je! Ale ma taaake konexie. ---------------------------------------------------=(Andrej/OkO 5/1998-99)=--- Hovori jeden programator druhemu: "Zajtra moja babka oslavuje 64 rokov." Druhy: "Mmm, to je ale okruhle vyrocie!" ---------------------------------------------------=(Andrej/OkO 5/1998-99)=--- Z hotlajnu: Vola uzivatel na technicku podporu, ze mu nejde vlozit do mechaniky tretiu instalacnu disketu. Technik sa po dlhsom premyslani pyta: - Pocuvajte a vybrali ste vobec tu druhu? - Hm, nie, a to mi pripomina, ta uz tam tiez isla tak nejak blbo... ---------------------------------------------------=(Andrej/OkO 4/1998-99)=--- Raz tak letel vrtulnik do Seattlu a vonku bola hrozna hmla, viditelnost ani desat metrov, az naraz prestali fungovat vsetky pristroje. Pilot cely zufaly lietal sem a tam, ci neuvidi nejaky majak, alebo nieco podobne, ale nic a uz mu aj pomaly dochadzalo palivo. Nakoniec dierou v hmle uvidel velky mrakodrap a na najvyssom poschodi za oknom v praci nejakeho chlapika. Vykukol z vrtulnika a zakrical: - Hej, dobry muz, neviete, kde som? Chlapik odpovedal: - Ale hej. Ste v helikoptere. A tu pilot urobil manever, otocil sa o 230 stupnov a cisto pristal na letisku o pat kilometrov dalej. V riadiacej vezi boli z toho samozrejme uplne hotovi a pytaju sa, ako to dokazal. - Jednoducho - odpovie pilot - polozil som tomu muzovi jednoduchu otazku. Jeho odpoved bola celkom spravna, ale uplne nanic. Z toho som usudil, ze ten mrakodrap musi byt sidlo Microsoft HotLine a odtadial je letisko pat kilometrov na severovychod! -----------------------------------------------------=(PeGa/OkO 3/1998-99)=--- OVLADA BOH UNIX? GOD ONLINE... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In the beginning there was the computer. And God said: # Let there be light! Enter user id. # God Enter password. # Omniscient Password incorrect. Try again. Omnipotent Password incorrect. Try again. # Technocrat And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. # Let there be light! Unrecognizable command. Try again. # Create light Done # Run heaven and earth And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. Approx. funds remaining $92.50. And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2. # Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light Unrecognizable command. Try again. # Create firmament Done. # Run firmament And God made the earth. And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2. Approx. funds remaining: $84.60. And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. # Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and Too many characters in specification string. Try again. # Create dry_land Done. # Run firmament And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. Approx. funds remaining: $65.00. And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. # Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night Unspecified type. Try again. # Create sun_moon_stars Done. # Run sun_moon_stars And God saw the day and the night. And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM Wednesday, March 4. Approx. funds remaining: $54.00. And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. # Create fish Done. # Create fowl Done. # Run fish, fowl And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. Approx. funds remaining: $45.00. And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6. # Create cattle Done. # Create creepy_things Done. # Now let us make man in our image Unspecified type. Try again. # Create man Done. # Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth Too many command operands. Try again. # Run multiplication Execution terminated. 6 errors. # Insert breath Done. # Run multiplication Execution terminated. 5 errors. # Move man to Garden of Eden File Garden of Eden does not exist. # Create Garden.edn Done. # Move man to Garden.edn Done. # Run multiplication Execution terminated. 4 errors. # Copy woman from man Done. # Run multiplication Execution terminated. 3 errors. # Insert woman into man Illegal parameters. Try again. # Insert man into woman Done. # Run multiplication Execution terminated. 2 errors. # Create desire Done. # Run multiplication And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. # Create freewill Done. # Run freewill And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. # Undo desire Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. # Destroy freewill Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. # Help Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. # Create tree_of_knowledge And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. # Create good, evil Done. # Activate evil And God saw he had created shame. Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.1 errors. # Scan Garden.edn for man, woman Search failed. # Delete shame Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated. # Destroy freewill Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. # Stop Unrecognizable command. Try again # Break # Break # Break ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF. # Create new world You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created. # Destroy earth Destroy earth: Please confirm. # Destroy earth confirmed COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 6 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW. And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Saturday, March 5. Approx. funds remaining: $0.00. -----------------------------------------------------=(PeGa/OkO 2/1998-99)=--- Citil, ako sa priblizuju. Jeho kremikova struktura sa zacala chviet. Tusil, ze to uz nebude dlho trvat a dojde ku totalnej destrukcii. Citliva vnutorna struktura bola nicena narazmi energie, ktora prystila z nedalekeho zdroja. Zo zdroja, ktoreho sila sa nedala odhadnut. Energeticke narazy boli coraz silnejsie. Zacali sa blizit prve zlomkove informacie, z ktorych sa vsak este nedalo odhadnut poskodenie, ktore sa malo prejavit kratko po katastrofe. No prve priznaky sa uz zacali prejavovat. Niektore casti jeho tela prestali vysielat svoje zakladne impulzy a on vedel, ze zomiera. Preco mu to urobili? Ved sa snazil spolupracovat, ako to najlepsie vedel a za to sa mu odvdacili tym, ze ho nicia. Nebol pomstychtivy, a preto zostal pasivny, napriek tomu, ze sa mohol branit. Coraz viac casti sa prestalo ozyvat. Jeho hlavne moduly postupne vypovedali cinnost. No on nereagoval a dal sa postupne ovladnut cudzou silou... Uzivatel s vydychom ulavy vytiahol disk z mechaniky; Windows 98 boli nainstalovane. ------------------------------------------------------=(alf/OkO 2/1998-99)=--- FREE WINDOWS EMULATOR #include #include #include char make_prog_look_big[1600000]; int main (void) { if (detect_cache()) disable_cache(); if (fast_cpu()) set_wait_states(lots); set_mouse(speed, very_slow); set_mouse(action, jumpy); set_mouse(reaction, sometimes); printf("Welcome to Windoze 3.999 (we might get it right or just call it Chicago)\n"); if (system_ok()) crash(to_dos_prompt); else system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE); while(1) { sleep(5); get_user_input(); sleep(5); act_on_user_input(); sleep(5); if (rand() < 0.9) crash(complete_system); } return(unrecoverable_system); } -----------------------------------------------------=(PeGa/OkO 9/1997-98)=--- - Viete aka je realna aplikacia prislovia "vyhanat certa diablom?" - Riesit problemy s MS Windows 3.11 instalaciou MS Windows 95... ----------------------------------------------------------=(OkO 6/1997-98)=--- Kazdy programator bezpecne ovlada len jeden jazyk - nadavky. ----------------------------------------------------------=(OkO 6/1997-98)=--- Nainstaloval si ma, spustil si ma, pokazil som sa. Tvoj verny Windows95 -------------------------------------------------------------------=(Laki)=--- - Ociii! Ten kurzor na mna zmurka! -------------------------------------------------------------------=(Laki)=--- - Viete ake diskety sa po nainstalovani Windows 95 pouzivaju najviac? - No predsa instalacne diskety Windows 95! -------------------------------------------------------------------=(Laki)=--- - Viete aky rezim sa spusta vo Windows 95 najcastejsie? - Nudzovy... -------------------------------------------------------------------=(Laki)=--- Na mori stroskota zaoceansky parnik. Stroskotanci plavaju v mori, medzi nimi aj Bill Gates. Zrazu sa objavia zraloky a zacnu pozierat jedneho strosktanca za druhym. Len Billa obkolesia a pomozu mu doplavaz na pevninu. Preco? - Kolegialna solidarita. -------------------------------------------------------------------=(Laki)=--- - Kolko inzinierov Intelu treba na vymenu ziarovky? - Presne 4.999949567. -------------------------------------------------------------------=(Laki)=--- - Kolko Billov Gatesov treba na vymenenie ziarovky? - Jeden - Bill Gates chyti ziarovku a caka, kym sa svet otoci okolo neho. -------------------------------------------------------------------=(Laki)=--- Pride SysOp domov a nabootuje televizor... -------------------------------------------------------------------=(Laki)=--- Modlidba pocitacovych fanatikov: V mene otca, i syna, i ducha svateho... Enter. -------------------------------------------------------------------=(Laki)=--- - My to co piseme do jedneho pocitaca nevidime na druhom! - A mate ich zapojene v sieti? - Ano, mame. - V akej? - V dvestodvadsiatich! -----------------------------------------------------=(PeGa/OkO 1/1997-98)=--- chlapec: Milacik, podme sa milovat! dievca: This function is only available in registered version. -----------------------------------------------------=(PeGa/OkO 1/1997-98)=--- AKO SA SPRAVNE STARAT O DISKETY ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - Nikdy nenechavajte diskety v pocitaci. Informacie mozu z diskety vyprchat a sposobit koroziu vnutornych casti pocitaca. Po vybrati diskety z mechaniky ju starostlivo zrolujte a uschovajte v drziaku na pisacie pera. - Diskety cistite vzdy raz za tyzden mokrou handrou a raz za mesiac ju navoskujte. Kovove mikroskopicke ciastocky je mozne odstranit silnejsim magnetom, ktorym pomaly prejedete po povrchu diskety. Pokial sa vam ani takto nepodari disketu vycistit, skuste ju umyt vlaznou vodou, mydlom, pripadne pouzite pieskovy prasok. Pri voskovani dbajte na to, aby bol povrch diskety dokonale hladky. Podstatne tak urychlite disketovu jednotku. (Pokial nechate nevylestene miesta, bude to mechaniku spomalovat.) - Diskety prekladajte iba v pripade, ze sa vam do disketovej jednotky nevojdu. Pokial mate iba velku disketu a malu jednotku, disketu prelozte tak, aby sa do disketovej jednotky zmestila. (Este lepsie je disketu orezat podla pravitka na spravny rozmer.) - Nikdy nevkladajte disketu do mechaniky zhora nohami! Data by mohli vypadnut a poskodit jemnu mechaniku disketovej jednotky. - Data nie je mozne zalohovat tak, ze disketu okopirujete na xeroxe. Ak potrebujete vytvorit zalozne kopie, jednoducho vsunte do jednotky diskety dve. Kedykolvek potom budete data ukladat, ich obsah sa zapise na obe diskety, a vy tak ziskate zaloznu kopiu. - Nevyberajte diskety z pocitaca, pokial svieti na mechanike kontrolka. Porusenie tohto pravidla mava za nasledok zasadne poskodenie, a niekedy dokonca zmazanie ulozenych dat. Niekedy sa moze stat, ze system "zamrzne" a kontrolka na mechanike svieti stale. Pokial narazite na tento problem, vhodte do pocitaca niekolko minci v hodnote 10 az 20 Sk, a pockajte, kym sa mechanika zastavi. - V pripade, ze je disketa plna, a vy aj tak potrebujete viac ulozneho priestoru, je pomoc jednoducha: Prelepte vsetky volne otvory na diskete kvalitnou lepiacou paskou, aby ste predisli strate dat, a potom disketou poriadne zatraste, vdaka comu sa data zrazia a uvolni sa miesto pre dalsie data. (Odbornici tento proces nazyvaju "Data Compression".) - Kratsiu pristupovu dobu na disketu ziskate tak, ze vyrezete viac otvorov. Zvysenim poctu stycnych ploch sa citacia mechanika stane omnoho efektivnejsia. - Pri editacii dat ulozenych na diskete nepouzivajte noznice a lepidlo. Data su na magnetickom mediu ulozene prilis husto, na to aby ich ludske oko dokazalo rozlisit. Tieto editacne zasahy si mozete dovolit iba vtedy, ak vlastnite elektronovy mikroskop. (V tomto pripade skuste pouzit ziletku alebo zmizik.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Ach ti uzivatelia... - Pan spravca, na mojom PC sa mi odlomil vysuvny drziak na napoje, co s tym? - ??? - No taky, co sa vysunie z pocitaca. - Aha, tak to bude asi CD mechanika... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mix: - Uzivatelska chyba: Vymente uzivatela a stlacte lubovolny klaves... - Zaloha nenajdena. Z)rusit, S)kusit znova, S)rdecny zachvat, P)ovraz, Uder v)elkym kladivom? - 2 + 2 = 5 pri extremne velkych hodnotach dvojek. - C:\Grafika\GIF\Nemravne\Sproste\Nechutne\Ohooo! - VVyyppnniittee ssii dduupplleexx!! - Najrychlejsia cesta, ako zabranit pristupu do pocitaca je taka, ze napisete prikaz LOCK a odenterujete ho 5 kg kladivom. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Murphy by sa divil... - Ak funguje nieco bez chyb, nic si z toho nerobte, ono to prejde. - Je beznadejne vytvorit blbcovzdorny program, blbci su proste genialni. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Zase Windows... - ...moze byt citanie vo vani povazovane za multitasking?... - Multitasking je, ked mozu aplikacie padat paralelne. - Windows 95 dokazu ignorovat najmenej 50% chyb, ktore by pod DOSom ci Unixom nikdy nevznikly... - Windows 95 su inteligentne. V pripade chyby neriskuju problemy, ktore by mohol sposobit uzivatel, snaziac sa o napravu, a tak radsej rovno zhodia cely system. - Windows 95 umoznuju svojim chybam behat na pozadi. - Windows 95 ma ku kazdemu rieseniu aspon 2 problemy. - Windows 95 nie su virus: viry nezaberaju tolko pamati ani miesta na disku, viry sa instaluju same, nevypisuju chybove hlasenia, vacsinou neznicia vsetky data a nepotrebuju k svojej cinnosti niekolko stoviek suborov. - Ak odstranite vo Windows 95 vsetky chyby, budete mat prazdny disk. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Preco sa Windows 4.0 vola Windows95? Lebo 95 znamena: - percento kodu, ktory je v den releasnutia napisany - percento 16-bitoveho kodu - percento kodu, ktory v den releasnutia este nie je otestovany - pocet diskiet, na ktorych sa bude distribuovat - pocet MB, ktore zaberie minimalna instalacia - pocet programatorov Microsoftu, ktori produkt budu pouzivat - priemerne IQ uzivatela produktu (cest vynimkam) - stvrta odmocnina z poctu chyb (celkovy pocet chyb je teda 81450625) - pocet chyb, ktore sa vyskytnu pocas instalacie - minimalna taktovacia frekvencia procesora - pocet minut potrebnych na nastartovanie systemu - percento z celkoveho poctu instalacii, ktore budu zmazane ten isty den - minimalna velkost MB RAM - rok predavania funkcnej verzie (2095) - pocet uspesnych instalacii spolu - minimalna doba instalacie v hodinach - pocet minut pocas ktorych bude system fungovat - pocet bootovani pocas ktorych system nespadne - priemerne IQ autorov - pocet priruciek - hmotnost instalacneho baliku v kg - pocet programov, ktore pod systemom bude mozne spustit (ale aj tak nebudu fungovat) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Bill Gates a General Motors ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Na pocitacovom veltrhu ComDex sa sef Microsoftu Bill Gates "poratal" s automobilovym priemyslom. Vyhlasil: Keby General Motors vyuzivali technologiu ako pocitacovy priemysel, jazdili by sme dnes vsetci v 25-dolarovych autach, ktore spotrebuju galon paliva na tisic mil. Vzapati vydali General Motors toto tlacove vyhlasenie: Keby General Motors vyvijali technologiu ako Microsoft a Windows 95, potom by mali dnes vsetky auta tieto vlastnosti: 1. Vase auto by malo z nepochopitelnych pricin dvakrat denne nehodu. 2. Zakazdym, keby vyznacili na ceste novu stredovu ciaru, bolo by si treba kupit nove auto. 3. Prilezitostne by auto z nevysvetlitelneho dovodu vybocilo z dialnice. 4. Pri zakrutach dolava by auto jednoducho nevybocilo. Bolo by treba nainstalovat novy podvozok alebo motor. 5. Kontrolka oleja, vystrazne svetielka teploty a baterie by boli nahradene jedinym ukazovatelom "velmi zavaznej poruchy auta". 6. System bezpecnostnych airbagov by sa vzdy najprv opytal: "Ste si isty, ze chcete pouzit airbag?" 7. Zakazdym, keby General Motors prestavili nove auto, museli by sa vsetci motoristi znova ucit jazdit, lebo nic z ovladacich pak by nefungovalo rovnako ako v starych autach. 8. Aby ste vypli motor, museli by ste stlacit tlacidlo "Start". ---------------------------------------------------=(Quark / November 1998)=-- Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE): = include include include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */ include /* For the court of law */ = define say(x) lie(x) define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE define next_year soon define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version = void main() if (latest_window_version>one_month_old) { if (there_are_still_bugs) market(bugfix); if (sales_drop_below_certain_point) raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION); } while(everyone_chats_about_new_version) { make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */ if (rumours_grow_wilder) make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play); if (rumours_grow_even_wilder) { market_time=3Dripe; say("It will be ready in one month); order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version); order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version); order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense); vapourware=3DTRUE; break; } } switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress) { case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY: say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing"); break; case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK: say("Yes it will work"); ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work); pretend(there_is_no_problem); break; case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS: say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to" " the 32 bits architecture"); inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh"); inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant" "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs"); inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple"); get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM); break; case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE: say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone"); register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book); when(time_is_ripe) { arrest(journalist); brainwash(journalist); when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree) { order(journalist, "write a nice objective article"); release (journalist); } } break; } while (vapourware) { introduction_date++; /* Delay */ if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release) break; say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH); } release(beta_version) while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware) { bills_bank_account +=3D 150*megabucks; release(new_and_even_better_beta_version); introduce(more_memory_requirements); = if (customers_report_installation_problems) { say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem"); if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play) { ignore(customer); order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this bastard"); } } if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years ) { divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her); wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks); marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies); devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies); if (boobies_start_to_hang) dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies); } if (there_is_another_company) { steal(their_ideas); accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas); hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */ wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit); buy_out(other_company); } } /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */ order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard); buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem); laugh_at(everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version= ); = void bugfix(void) charge (a_lot_of_money) if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix) say("It is not a bugfix but a new version"); if (still_complaints) { ignore(customer); register(customer, big_Bill_book); /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/ } ---------------------------------=(Henrik Stig Mcller - Imphobia Issue #11)=-- Pribeh o Windows95 (ani to prelozit netreba:) Util: click start Win: displays an alert box: "Do you know the story of Jose Happart?" OK | OK Util: click OK Win: displays "Are you sure you want to Format your HD ??????" OK | OK Util: click OK Win: brout brout brout brout ...... displays "2000 tracks cleaned, 100 % virus free" Util: "Huuuuuuuuuuu !?!?!" Win: displays "Don't forget to backup your datas ;-)" NO | NO Util: clicks NO with a hammer KraBooooom !!!!!!! Krtsshhhhhhh grzzzzzzzz tsktsktsk ... Win: displays "You can now shut down your computer." -------------------------------=(Magic Fred / TFL-TDV - Imphobia Issue #11)=-- 50MHz 486 + Microsoft Windows = 4.77MHz 8088. DOS Viruscan: Windows found: Delete? (Y/y) Ak si po prvy krat nebol uspesny, nazvi to Windows NT. Ak nestihas tvojmu pocitacu, pouzivaj Windows! OS/2 warp = Polovica Operacneho Systemu Zahada Windows - prepne 486-50 na 4MHz XT... Windows Error #56: Operator pocas cakania zaspal. Windows je farebny klaunovsky oblek pre DOS. -------------------------------------------=(aAP/aCME - Imphobia Issue #11)=-- - ...Hirosima 45, Cernobyl 86, Windows 95... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ - Viete aky je rozdiel medzi listim a MS Windows? - Listie pada iba na jesen... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ V7po4tov0 stredisko do3lo na z8klade svojich 3tatistick7ch v7skumov k z8veru, 6e v]43inu va3ich probl0mov pri pr8ci s po49ta4om treba h2ada5 medzi kl8vesnicou va3eho po49ta4a a stoli4kou. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Vyber texttov z niektorych virusov: - Daddy, what does FDISK do? - How to double your hard drive space: Delete Windows. - Keyboard missing, press F13 to continue. - Too young disk in drive A:! - Warning: Your monitor is RADIOACTIVE! - Insert hamburger in drive B:! - Sorry, your system is too dirty for me... - Insert tractor toilet paper into printer! - Microsoft Mouse: Beware of cats! - Bad command or operator. - Warning: Too many floppies in one drive! - External Error: INTELLIGENCE not found! - ERROR! Press quickly CTRL-ALT-DEL! - Critical ERROR: Use hammer. - Insert floppy disc in drive D: - Do you speak in Turbo Pascal? - Sorry, but... do you have a brain?! - ATENTION! RAM is write - protected! - Shut power down & press any key! - ATENTION!: High voltage on keyboard! - All viruses found. - Warning: Your mouse is hungry! - Memory failed. Use paper. - All rights released. - This Hard disk is write only. - WARNING! Smog in drive S: - Your coprocessor needs a bath! - This program is not good. Try another one. - Say bye-bye HD... - This file is Delete-Only. - End of worktime. Turn system off! - Water detected in Co-processor. - Kiss my ... keyboard! - Warning! Your mouse has some virus! - Disconnect your mouse, there are some cats! - Jedz zdravo, bud fit, nefajci... aj tak zomries! - Boh je real-ny... ak nie je deklarovany ako integer. - Hmm, co toto cervene tlacidlo uro=r|+~*0 - Nepijem vodu. Paria sa v nej ryby! - Ozajstny programatori pouzivaju COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE - REALITY.SYS corrupted -- reboot Universe [Y,n]? - Znic klavesnicu pre pokracovanie... - Co?!? DOSSHELL nie je vtip? - Kde ides, tam si. - Co je lepsie: CP/M 2.2 alebo OS/2 2.0? - We all live in a yellow subroutine. - Sorry, your system is too dirty for me... - Fuck your secretary, not me! - Kiss my ... (keyboard)! - There is something rotten in your computer! - Always make a backup copy of your sex partner! - All protective devices failed, call GhostBusters! - Tvoj Hard disk sa isiel vyvetrat. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Co znamena "IBM"? IBM - I Blame Microsoft. IBM - I Buy Macintosh IBM - I'll Buy Macintosh IBM - I've Been Mislead IBM - I've Been Moved IBM - I've Been Mugged IBM - Incontinent Bowel Movement IBM - Identical Blue Men IBM - Idiotic Bit Masher IBM - Idiots Become Managers IBM - Idiots Built Me IBM - Idiots Buy Me IBM - Ignorant Buttfucking Morons IBM - Incompatible Business Machines IBM - Incredibly Boring Machine IBM - Inferior, But Marketable IBM - Infernal Bloody Monopoly IBM - Institute of Black Magic IBM - Intercourse Beats Masturbation IBM - Internal Beaurocratic Mess IBM - International Brotherhood of Magicians IBM - Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches IBM - It'll Be Messy IBM - It's Backwards, Man IBM - It's Being Mended. IBM - It's Better Manually IBM - Itty Bitty Machines IBM - Itty Bitty Morons IBM - Incompatible Business Machine IBM compatible - IBM contemptible ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Kolko programatorov je potrebnych na vymenu ziarovky? Ani jeden. To je problem hardwaru. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Preco je modem lepsi ako zena? * modem nerepta, ked sa celu noc hras s pocitacom * modemu nevadi, ked sa rozpravate s inymi modemami * modem bude trpezlivo cakat pri telefone, az kym mu nezavolas * s modemom ziskas aj navod na pouzitie ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Viete, akym prikazom sa spusta emulator XTecka? win ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Na akom hardware bezi Windows95 najlepsie? Na diaprojektore. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Preco kradnem software? Pretoze NEKRADNEM!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Stretli sa dvaja certi, smutny a vesely. Ten vesely sa pyta: - Co ti je, ze si taky smutny? - Ale, pracovne problemy. Robim na prijme a v poslednom case nam robia starosti gameri... - Ake starosti? - Napriklad vcera: Jeden nam tam zlikvidoval polovicku oddelenia motorovou pilou, nez sa nam podarilo vysvetlit mu, ze to nie je dalsi level DOOMa. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Viete, ako sa najlepsie balia baby? No predsa RARom! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Ako vyplynulo zo spolocneho vyskumu specializovanych timov vyvojoveho oddelenia firmy IBM a Apple, spionaznych jednotiek Microsoft, Bordeland a Microhard, dalej Dr. Zivaga a Dr. Braina, vysokeho komisara (204cm) OSN pre blbcov, sefa FBI Koxa Foldera a sefa KGB Arm. Gen. Mjr. Doc. Ing. PhDr. RNDr. MUDr. MVDr. JUDr. Ivana Vula, DrSc. je kapacita ludskeho mozgu rozdelena nasledovne: pre operacne systemy NIE Windows 95: 14% zabera vlastny operacny system 4% su venovane obsluznym TSR rutinam a driverom 2% obsahuje tabulka vektorov preruseni pre operacny system Windows 95: 18% zabera vlastny operacny system 1% zabera vlastny spomalovaci swapovaci priestor 1% zabera specialna mrznuca a resetovacia rutina To je vyuzitych 20% mozgovej kapacity. A dalej programy: 19% Telepatia v2.10b04 14% LevitMania v1.01 10% SperMaker/MenzMaker v6.10.64 8% UFO Vision II v2.06 4% NoAIDS v0.45 3% KardioDebugger v9.00 2% HairColorChanger 97 10% ostatne utilitky Na velke sklamanie vyskumnikov sa vsak ukazalo, ze vsetky tieto softwarove produkty su kryte heslami, ktore sa nepodarilo objavit. Zvysna kapacita mozgu je rozdelena takto: 10% Extended Memory rozdelenie: 1% swapovaci priestor pre OS 1% cache 8% nevyuzite (vyuzival iba A. Einstein) Po tychto zisteniach sa vsetci vyskumnici rozhadali a za hlasitych vyhrazani sa Arm. Gen.......JUDr. Ivana Vula, DrSc. o atomovej vojne, ak mu niekto nepovie, o co vlastne islo, odisli do svojich pribytkov. Pre blizsie informacie kontaktuje hovorcu WB97 (Windows Brain 97) na adrese DeBill Gates WB97 Redmond USA ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Predstavujeme vam niektore letecke spolocnosti: DOS Airlines Vsetci roztacaju lietadlo pokial nevzlietne, potom vsetci naskocia a nechaju lietadlo spadnut. Potom opat tlacia, naskocia,... DOS & QEMM Airlines To iste, ako DOS Airlines, ale pri roztlacani je viac miesta. Mac Airlines Vsetci stewardi, letusky, piloti, nosici batozin a predavaci listkov vyzeraju rovnako, pohybuju sa rovnako a hovoria to iste, ked sa pytate na detaily, dostanete vzdy rovnaku odpoved: To nepotrebujete vediet, ani to vlastne nechcete vediet, a vsetko vlastne bezi v poriadku. Takze by ste vlastne mali byt radsej ticho. Windows Airlines Letistna hala je pekna, pestra, letusky a stewardi su mili. Niekedy sa bez problemov dostanete na palubu, start je niekedy bezchybny... Naraz sa vsak lietadlo bez akehokolvek varovania zruti. OS/2 Airlines Aby ste se dostali na palubu, musite si dat listok 10-krat orazitkovat a stat v 10-tich roznych radach. Navyse este vyplnite formular, v ktorom musite uviest, kde chcete sediet, a ci vase sedadlo ma vyzerat ako v lodi, v lietadle, vo vlaku, ci v autobuse. A ked sa vam uz podari dostat sa na palubu a ked sa skutocne lietadlo odlepi od zeme, mate prekrasny let... UNIX Airlines Kazdy si donesie so sebou kusocek lietadla na letisko. Vsetci idu na startovaciu drahu a skladaju lietadlo kusok po kusku. Pritom sa stale diskutuje, aky typ lietadla sa prave stavia. Windows NT Airlines Vsetci pridu na startovaciu drahu, zborovo zakricia heslo, a vytvoria sa obrysy lietadla. Potom sa vsetci posadia na zem a vydavaju zvuky, ako keby naozaj leteli. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Rozpravaju sa 3 zeny: - Moj manzel je uradnik, a ked pride domov, tak sa naveceriame a potom ideme nezne na to. - Moj manzel je drevorubac, a ked pride domov, priviaze ma o postel a ideme surovo na to. - Moj manzel robi v Microsofte a ked pride domov, tak mi vzdy hovori, ze za dva roky pojdeme na to a potom ideme spat. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Preco je Pentium rychlejsie ako 486? Pretoze 486 vysledky pocita, kdezto Pentium ich odhaduje! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ MS WinWord 6.0 UnInstall: Not enough disk space to uninstall WinWord. (Masina: Compaq Proliant, 4xPentium 90MHz, 128MB RAM, 28GB HD, Win NT, Excel 5) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ V knihkupectve sa pyta zakaznicka predavacky: - Prosim vas, kde je oddelenie pocitacovej literatury? - Hladate nieco konkretne? - Manzela. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Konecne je to tu, 32-bitovy operacny system, ktory sa nikdy nezruti: Ano, uhadli ste - je to Windows95. Ma to ale jednu chybu: jeho tvorcom je Microsoft. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Raz tak Motorola stretne Pentium a daju sa do reci: - A__h__o__j__ P__e__n__t__i__u__m__, n__e__v__i__e__s__ k__o__l__k__o__ j__e__ t__r__i__ k__r__a__t__ t__r__i__? - Sest - A__l__e__ t__o__ j__e__ z__l__e__. - To nevadi, ale je to rychlo. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Woknous - Copywrong 1971. Vsechna prava ukradnuta. - System se pravdepodobne stal jeste nestabilnejsim, nez drive. - Pripravuje se startovani pomocneho systemu. - System COMMODORE 64 ma ponekud vyssi spotrebu energie nez jindy. - Zasobeni z elektricke site je nedostatecne. Spustete parni generator! Sakra clovece, spustete to nebo to vybouchne. Spusteno? - Zaprahnete dva pary volu! Zaprahnete je nebo vam to nepojede. Zaprahnuto? - System Woknous vam pomuze. - Activating Terminator... successful - Pruvodce pro uspesne dokonceni operace potrebuje uskutecnit pouze mensi zmeny konfigurace: Deleting c:\*.* ...successful Deleting d:\*.* ...successful - Neocekavana chyba c. 45623418: Cannot find anything! Pocitac muzete nyni bez obav vyhodit. - Microsoft - maly a mekky najednou. - Chaos Woknous zjistil, ze nemuze zjistit pritomnost Woknous... - Mnoho zabavy pri ozivovani harddisku. - **** COMMODORE 64 ROM V1.1 **** 64K RAM SYSTEM 56024 BASIC BYTES FREE READY LOAD "WINDOWS95" SEARCHING FOR WINDOWS95 LOADING... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Viete, kolko programatorov Microsoftu je potrebnych na vymenu ziarovky? Ani jeden! Microsoft radsej prehlasi tmu za standard... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Chcete ztrojnasobit kapacitu vasho harddisku? Chcete zpatnasobit rychlost vasho pocitaca? Tak si odinstalujte Windows - pardon, odinstalovat to nejde - tak ho zmazte! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Zoznam niektorych znaciek, mien a firiem: Shitgate Windows for Wargroups SmrtDrive FoxCo? Notwell MadWare DeBill Gates MacroSoft Bordeland Sierra Off-line Trouble Space Verglatim Magorsoft Kreature Lab's FordPrefect SupraFuck Modem Vrakburg FuckPro Sracker 3.1 Teleci Komunikace Macshitos Verbashit DebilBASE 3.0 MikroPrase ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sialeny programator skoncil v pekle. Diabol mu navrhol moznost vybrat si z troch miestnosti za tromi dverami; tu v ktorej chce stravit nasledujucich tristo rokov. Hriesnik pride k prvym dveram s napisom 'Microsoft WINDOWS', ked ich otvori, vidi len same krasne veci, vsetci sa povaluju, nic nerobia. Vyhlasi, ze do dalsich dveri uz nejde, ze mu to staci, ze chce ist prave sem. Ide teda podpisat zmluvu a vsetky potrebne nalezitosti. Ked se potom vrati k svojim dveriam a otvori ich, citi strasny smrad, vidi hroznu muciaren, no proste hroza! Vystrasene sa pyta diabla co to ma znamenat, ze to predtym vyzeralo uplne inak! A diabol na to: "Ano, ale to bola Demo-verzia!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ UnErase: Chyba! Adresar "WINDOWS" nie je mozne obnovit! Adresar neobsahuje rozumne data. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Do obchodu pride zena a hovori: - Nemate nahodou tie diskety, eee, ako sa to..., take tie one, no z coho sa robia panvice... - no tie, teflonove. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Pocitacova Modlitba --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Program nas, ktory si v pamati! Posvat sa meno Tvoje! Prid vystup Tvoj! Bud vola Tvojich prikazov ako aj na tlaciarni, tak aj na monitore! Data nase prepotrebne daj nam dnes! A odpust nam nase vstupne i ostatne chyby, ako aj my odpustime chyby Tvoje! I neuvod nas do beznadeje, ale zbav nas stresovych chvil pri pocitaci! Lebo Tvoj je algoritmus i virusy i zacyklene aplikacie na veky. Exit. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Preco sa Pentium nejvola 586? Pretoze Intel spocital 486+100 na prvom Pentiu a vyslo mu 585.99983. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Zaparkoval som svoj harddisk, a vcera mi prisla pokuta. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Svadobna noc Billa Gatesa. Po svadobnej noci si manzelka povzdychne: - Tak, uz viem, preco sa ta tvoja firma vola Microsoft... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Pocitacovy expert bol raz odstranovat nejaku chybu na pocitaci na colnici. No a nakoniec im este utrel filter z obidvoch stran a zrazu: "Ono to chodi farebne!," kricali colnici.